The Secrets of Self Management
Thursday, May 15, 2008
(This is another article from a newsletter from the Brahma Kumaris as part of their "Women of Spirit - Message for the Week" series. It has some good ideas about managing our selves. So here is a copy. Telana)
Your thoughts and decisions shape your destiny. This is not a new idea. A few moments of reflection reminds us that everything we create in our life from the relationships we form to the work that we perform, begin as thoughts/decisions within our consciousness. Wouldn't it therefore be great if we could simply have a few positive thoughts, make a couple of courageous decisions, and our destiny would be as perfect as we would like it to be?
Real life of course doesn't quite work like that because there are many energies that we allow consciously and unconsciously to influence our thinking and decision making processes. They include things like the environment, the weather, our current job, our family, our financial affairs, politics, culture and the most powerful, the media, are all waves of energy which bombard us in dif ferent forms and at different times every day. All have a different effect on our thinking depending to what extent we allow them in. All have the potential to confuse, complicate and pressure us into not such positive thoughts and not such good decisions... if we give them permission. And if we are not careful we can easily allow many of these external influences to shape our destiny.
And yet we cannot control any of them. They are all around us at every moment. All we can do is manage our self and therefore our thinking, so that we respond to them without being shaped or overwhelmed by them. The inner skills of 'self-management' are many. But on a day to day basis, when faced with the onslaught of a thousand influences, all vying for our attention, many seeking to shape our lives for us, these are probably the most important to get started.
Detached Observation
And yet we cannot control any of them. They are all around us at every moment. All we can do is manage our self and therefore our thinking, so that we respond to them without being shaped or overwhelmed by them. The inner skills of 'self-management' are many. But on a day to day basis, when faced with the onslaught of a thousand influences, all vying for our attention, many seeking to shape our lives for us, these are probably the most important to get started.
Detached Observation
Detachment does not mean we don't care about what is going on in the world, or that we avoid what is coming to us from the world. Detachment does not mean coldness or hardness. It just means we learn to stand back and observe for a moment where before we would have allowed ourselves to be instantly sucked in to the dramas of others. Detachment gives us that 'space of time' to create a measured response and not be overruled by a habitual reaction. It allows us to check our perception of what is coming to us and what is happening around us. And that can be as simple as seeing a situation as a problem or as an opportunity. Or it can be as deep as a shift from seeing the world as a dark and dangerous place to the world as an adventure playground. That one inner shift alone allows us to stop tak ing things so seriously and start being more creative and playful. The art of detachment also allows us to move from actor to audience and back again - one moment just observing and getting a sense of things, and the next moment fully engaging.
This inner observational ability, sometimes known as 'detached involvement', means the world ceases to crowd our mind and randomly shape our thoughts and feelings. In learning to take time to just be watchful prior to the creation of our decisions and actions we can see with a deeper awareness, think with greater concentration and make our decisions with greater clarity. By standing back intern ally and learning to watch life's flow we naturally become less influenced by all those forces over which we have no control. And in so doing there is weakening of the feeling that we are at the mercy of events, and an increasing sense that we have greater control over our own destiny.
Filtering Wisely
This inner observational ability, sometimes known as 'detached involvement', means the world ceases to crowd our mind and randomly shape our thoughts and feelings. In learning to take time to just be watchful prior to the creation of our decisions and actions we can see with a deeper awareness, think with greater concentration and make our decisions with greater clarity. By standing back intern ally and learning to watch life's flow we naturally become less influenced by all those forces over which we have no control. And in so doing there is weakening of the feeling that we are at the mercy of events, and an increasing sense that we have greater control over our own destiny.Filtering Wisely
In the age of information overload it becomes essential to filter out what is of value and what is not. We find it hard to remember what was in the newspaper or on TV two days ago simply because it had no value to us. Discerning what has value, which usually turns out to be very little, helps us not to waste time and energy. So much of the information that catches our attenti on 'out there' is simply stories of others lives, a form of local or global gossip, which we don't need to know. By filtering out only that which is truly of value to us and not consuming or being consumed by it, we help our self to remain mentally fresh, emotionally stable and use our time and energy in the most worthwhile way. Life is neither short nor long, but it is a span of experience in which we get an opportunity to create something that is both valuable for others and fulfilling for ourselves. If we spend that time consuming the creativity of others we will miss the opportunity to know and use the full potential of our own creativity. And there is always a good chance we just might end up with a bad dose of 'information indigestion'.
Recovering Stability
Recovering Stability
We may have realised that all our stress in life is self-created. We may have realised that our stressful thoughts and feelings are of our own making as we respond to people and events. We may have therefore decided to take full responsibility for our 'ability to respond'. But still certain people and situations are able to 'press our buttons' and we react emotionally, pushin g our self off balance again. At this point many give up the process of empowering themselves by restoring self-responsibility, and they revert to old patterns in which they allow the pain that stress is, to habitually recur. But if we can practice recovering our stability we might eventually find our self stress-free in what were previously stress-triggering situations.
This means that when we do react negatively and 'lose the plot' we then take time to sit quietly and centre ourselves. Where there is stress, where there is any form of 'reactivity', it means we are not in control, our emotions are controlling us. There is some form of emotional disturbance, which can be likened to a storm within our consciousness. But if we can learn to return to the centre of our consciousness, to the 'eye of the storm', we will always find our peace and our power. Today that may take 10 minutes, tomorrow 8 minutes, the next day 5 minutes, and so on until one day no minutes. It is this kind of sustained inner work that we all get the chance to practice every day. Even the greatest saints and the so called enlightened masters would have practiced this vital aspect of self management in the face of the everyday changing textures and colours of the many varied scenes and personalities of life's rich pageant.
Question: In which relationships/situations do you think you would benefit from applying the above inner skills?
Reflection: How do you see yourself responding i.e. thinking and acting differently, if you practiced each of the above?
Action: Dedicate two days to each of the above self-management skills this week and consciously apply in practical situations.
This means that when we do react negatively and 'lose the plot' we then take time to sit quietly and centre ourselves. Where there is stress, where there is any form of 'reactivity', it means we are not in control, our emotions are controlling us. There is some form of emotional disturbance, which can be likened to a storm within our consciousness. But if we can learn to return to the centre of our consciousness, to the 'eye of the storm', we will always find our peace and our power. Today that may take 10 minutes, tomorrow 8 minutes, the next day 5 minutes, and so on until one day no minutes. It is this kind of sustained inner work that we all get the chance to practice every day. Even the greatest saints and the so called enlightened masters would have practiced this vital aspect of self management in the face of the everyday changing textures and colours of the many varied scenes and personalities of life's rich pageant.
Question: In which relationships/situations do you think you would benefit from applying the above inner skills?
Reflection: How do you see yourself responding i.e. thinking and acting differently, if you practiced each of the above?
Action: Dedicate two days to each of the above self-management skills this week and consciously apply in practical situations.
From: Brahma Kumaris, which is an organization which seeks to offer an education in human, moral and spiritual values. It is of Indian origin and it promotes a form of meditation called Raja Yoga.
Labels: Brahma Kumaris, self management
posted by Telana @ 2:58 pm,
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Beyond Tolerance
Monday, May 12, 2008
(I recieved this article in a newsletter from the Brahma Kumaris as part of their "Women of Spirit - Message for the Week" series. It has some good points about Tolerance, and I thought I'd share it here. Telana)
Mothers tolerate their children's naughty behaviour, referees tolerate abuse on the field, politicians tolerate criticism, millions of people tolerate the noise of planes over their homes, owners tolerate uncontrollable pets, and many wives and husbands tolerate the violence of their partner. For sure there is probably a lot of tolerating going on in the average day for the average person in our now small world.
What are you tolerating? Is their something or someone you feel you have to tolerate? Or have you given up and descended into anger and despair. Sometimes it's called 'learned helplessness'. Whatever it is you can turn it around.
Tolerance is one of those interesting ideas or concepts that is seldom fully explored and understood. Often it is confused with 'suffering in silence' and while we say we are tolerating someone presence we are really suffering in their presence. We are really tolerating our own suffering. Hard to see in a world that tends to teach us that it's 'them' and not me that is making me feel this way.
Tolerance is necessary, until you see it is unnecessary, at which point you have either risen above or gone beyond what you thought you had to tolerate. A simple example might be 'racial tolerance'. In most societies the tolerance of the other races is rightly encouraged. But for many it simply means we have to put up with 'them'. The need to tolerate and the effort to tolerate is only required as long as you identify 'them' and yourself with colour of skin. As soon as you realise and accept that people are not their skin, therefore not their race (the opposite of what we have been taught to believe), you rise above race, you go beyond race. You go beyond what was in effect an illusory identity and start to see the reality (real identity) of all 'others' which is as human beings, beings of consciousness in a human form, at which point the effort to tolerate is unnecessary. Some refer to this as 'spiritual vision' where we see and relate to the s
pirit of the person, which is who they are, and cease to identify them with their form and its colour. It's an easy theory but challenging to practice because the next level at which we may find some personal 'intolerables' will likely be the 'others' beliefs, culture and behaviours. And if we do not understand the others beliefs/culture/behaviours we have a tendency to either fear them or resent them. And what we fear or resent calls on our tolerance, hence we seem to be tolerating 'them', but in reality we are really just tolerating our own emotions towards them.So lets take a step back for a moment and see what is really happening when we become intolerant. Whenever we experience any emotional disturbance it means we have been separated from the core of our being which is always stable, strong and calm. But it's not the external event or the other persons behaviour or beliefs that have separated us, it is entirely our own doing. Not so easy to see but it is evidenced by the fact that in one house on the street one person is not emotionally disturbed when the aircraft flies overhead, whereas the person next door is always angry and resentful whenever an aircraft passes. Similarly, while the teenager can stand in the noisiest disco and talk calmly and coherently, the parent looking for their child in the noisy melee of the disco just cannot wait to get out! In the workplace the perpetua lly late arriving member of the team seems to drive some of his team members crazy while others are just not bothered by it, they do not lose the emotional plot because they do not lose their connection with their inner stable, strong and calm core, from where the power to remain unfazed and in a state of equilibrium comes.
Each of the above examples illustrates that whatever is our emotional disturbance when we become 'intolerant' is always our own creation, our own responsibility. It is not caused by the external situation or person. This means freedom is in sight – freedom from our emotional suffering. But it also means we have a 'need' that needs to be met. It is our need to reconnect and restore our inner strength and stability. It's a need to dissolve our emotional disturbance so that we may 'feel' calm and able to face the person or the situation that is 'challenging' us. In fact any time we find ourself thinking, feeling and acting out some form of intolerance, it always means that we have an unmet inner need. And while we may illicit others help to co-operate with the fulfillment of that need, u ltimately only we are capable of fulfilling it for ourselves.
In the meantime here are five steps that may help you towards meeting your inner needs in situations that you feel you have to tolerate.
1) ACKNOWLEDGE to yourself that you are responsible for your emotional discomfort. Your emotional disturbance is entirely self created regardless of what or who you face.
2) ACCEPT the other person as they are, or situation as it is, or the event as it was. Watch how you want to say, "But that is just not acceptable", usually after 'the event'. At which point, in reality, you don't have a choice, you have to accept what has happened because…. it's happened! It's in the past If you don't move into acceptance you are always stuck in the frustration of trying to change the past or the other person, which of course is impossible.
3) AQUIRE understanding. This is the moment you reach out towards the other seeking to understand why they did what they did and what their needs were behind their action.
4) APPRECIATE their openness. In sharing their thoughts and feelings, their perceptions and reasons, they have been open and 'given'. To reciprocate with appreciation is to replace what was previously the silent resentment of intolerance with the energy of love. (not Holywood love!)
5) ASK for your need to be met, without dependency or condition. Ask, "How can we both have our needs be met in this situation?" This is the moment of creativity where solutions or ways forward are co-created.
In the example of the late arriver for the morning meeting it's obvious that our emotional reaction is our own (Acknowledge) because the other members of the team are responding to the same event differently. Trying to 'force' the other to change either by threat or further emotional targeting or some other 'consequence' will only illicit resistance and probably even later arrival times ( Accept). A conversation with the intention to understand why lateness is a habit (Acquire) reveals a need to get a sick partner to hospital every day for treatment, or a need for more sleep because the earlier train time is just too early, or it's just a way to get others attention. Gratitude for their openness (Appreciation) ensures the quality of energy exchanged is positive and harmonious. This sets the ground for the final stage which is a conversation that invites solutions (Ask) that may result in meeting both needs by either agreeing to accommodate late arrival by delaying the meeting, or changing the agenda to accommodate late arrival, or coming in earlier and leaving earlier etc. etc.
It's just an example and it is of course impossible to predict how such a strategy may arrive at an outcome that satisfies the requirements of both parties. Life is ultimately unpredictable and messy and so 'relationships', which is another word for 'life', are also unpredictable and messy. The alternative is tolerance in the form of a silent suffering, possible resentment and a relationship th at always throws up a background of tension verging on conflict.
Question: Who or what do you feel you are currently having to tolerate?
Reflection: Rehearse in your mind how you might apply the above five steps in an interaction with that person. Visualise the process.
Action: Sit down with that person while being flexible enough to allow unexpected responses to arise from them or from your self
From: Brahma Kumaris, which is an organization which seeks to offer an education in human, moral and spiritual values. It is of Indian origin and it promotes a form of meditation called Raja Yoga.
Labels: Brahma Kumaris, tolerance
posted by Telana @ 3:17 pm,
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Telana Simpson
Telana Simpson is a Professional Personal and Communication Coach. She is a caring and focused facilitator who has a passion for expression. She helps executives, individuals and entrepreneurs find authentic ways of communicating their inner potentials.
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