Un-Insult-ability
Saturday, May 26, 2007
How is your relationship with criticism?
Thinking about it, most people are quite skilled at dishing out criticism and sharing their bad moods with others. Yet there are few of us who are able to handle the criticism from - and confrontation and conflict with - others without getting defensive, let along handling it with elegance and resourcefulness.
As there is a state of taking insult from such communications, there is also a state of being un-insult-able. This is a state where we can be empowered to take criticism effectively and positively (yes- this is possible!) and where we actually make good use of the criticism. Dr Michael Hall talks of this state in his "Living Genius" training, and I thought I'd share some of his useful ideas with you here.
Idea 1:
By owning your responses, that is taking the responsibility for your thoughts, words, feelings and behaviour, you can also allow others to be responsible for their thoughts, feelings, words and behaviour. Thus when the insults are flying, wouldn't it be useful to say to yourself:
"Whatever comes at me does not belong to me. I did not produce it - so it belongs to another".
From this place you can remind yourself that because what someone says is not yours, you don't have to believe it immediately. You can just listen in order to perceive it, and then decide if it is useful or not.
Idea 2:
People are so much more than their words, or their actions. There sure is a lot more to you than just one of your opinions. Thus you can draw the line between what you do and who you are- that is, there is a distinction between human doing and human doing. This allows you to 'play the ball rather than the person' in this game of being un-insultable. Applying this would be being able to distinguish the person of the critic from his/her words and actions. So you could say something like:
"This seems pretty important to you. How does it hold so much meaning for you? What do you hope to achieve by this criticism that is of benefit?"
Idea 3:
Taking the second idea further, if you give criticism the meaning that it is just words, just information, just feedback that you can use to make adjustments to navigate through your life more successfully, you could respond by saying:
"Thank you for bringing this to my attention. It gives me some feedback that could help me."
You could even enquire more about it, asking questions to clarify what the person is trying to say, and finding more useful information that you can then choose to take on or not.
Idea 4:
This leads to another idea, which is to refuse to "take" the insult. Rather just let it go, like letting it drop onto the floor between you and the critic. Taking this further, you can also just decline the criticism:
"Thanks, but that doesn’t fit at this time".
Idea 5:
The last idea I'll share with you here is to hold the critic responsible- especially if after seeing past the way the information is delivered, you can find a nugget of information that is useful. You could ask the person:
"If that is the case, then what do you suggest I ought to do? Will you help me to do it better?"
Perhaps by trying on these ideas or a bit and testing them out with the critics in your life, you may be pleasantly surprised as you find yourself responding more and more from a place of contentment, appreciation, understanding and even maybe delight!
To being uninsultable!
Telana
Labels: criticism, Dr Hall, insult, uninsultability
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posted by Telana @ 12:36 am,
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Dispelling Coaching Myths
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Here is a wellwritten article about the Myths of Coaching by Bryan Hattingh, taken from:
http://www.itweb.co.za/sections/industryinsight/humanresources/hattingh050705.asp?S=Human%20Resources&A=HRS&O=S
There is a myth that coaching is for people who are under-performing. In fact, coaching is for high achievers and people who want to realise greater amounts of their potential.
In his best-selling sports book, The Inner Game of Tennis, pioneering coach Tim Gallwey developed a revolutionary programme for overcoming the self-doubt, nervousness and lapses of concentration that can keep a player from winning.
He later applied these principles to the corporate world in The Inner Game of Work, his precept being that there is always an inner game being played in your mind, no matter what outer game you are playing. Gallwey believes that in every human endeavour there are two arenas of engagement: the outer and the inner. The outer game is played on an external arena to overcome external obstacles to reach an external goal. How aware you are of this game can make the difference between success and failure in the outer game.
Coaching is a relatively new activity, but one which has had a great impact on the business world since its emergence and adoption in the 1990s. In a period of 10 to 15 years the coaching profession has grown exponentially, particularly in the US, Australia, Europe and SA.
As with any high-growth industry that does not have prescriptive parameters of control and conduct, there are both great and poor coaches out there. The former includes people who are well positioned to assist and enable people who wish to make major leaps forward in terms of who they are and what they do.
Companies need to be diligent and stringent around the selection of coaches. Factors such as background, experience, references, timeframe and modalities all need to be taken into account prior to the appointment of a coach. Occasionally, people may have a negative coaching experience, but it would be unwise then to conclude that all coaching is ineffective - that would be like suggesting that one bad romance means you should never fall in love again.
Rather than demonising the experience, companies should seek to determine what went wrong. Why did the participants have a bad experience? How did the coach in question make it through the system? Where was the flaw in your system of engaging with external suppliers? These lessons must be applied to other service providers so as to prevent a recurrence.
The quality of reference is a key criterion when it comes to the selection of a coach. Talk to people they have coached and find out what were the outcomes, and how long the engagement lasted.
Qualifications are equally important. There are almost no formal professional coaching qualifications, but there are a variety of accreditations being provided by business schools. Find out what it is that equips them and qualifies them to be a professional coach, and what qualifications they have to do the work you require of them.
- Coaches should themselves look to being coached on an ongoing basis, so find out who coaches your prospective coach.
- Ask what methodology they use, and find out their areas of specialisation.
- Know what you want to accomplish, and your desired outcomes, and make sure the person you choose is equipped to assist you with that.
Coaching misconceptions
Coaching is not the transfer of knowledge, insight, wisdom, skills and expertise via instruction, demonstration and collaboration; therefore it is not mentoring. Coaching is not about advising people on the way forward, so it is not consulting. It is not counselling either - that is the work of psychologists and therapists. It is the teaching of technical skills, but it is not teaching. Most importantly, coaching is not about telling - it's about asking, listening, and facilitating the changing of perspectives, views, expectations, aspirations and the sense of purpose of the individual. Importantly, it is about the development of action plans to inculcate the behaviours required to bring about the attainment of the desired outcomes and consequent lifestyle.
Coaching enables people to constantly improve their concept of "best" and to continue to strive for it. It enables them to create, maintain and express an ever-enriching sense of purpose. It allows them to develop, pursue and live the dreams that impassion them. It empowers them to increase their sense of ownership and to take action in their lives. It prepares them to transform ideas and concepts into capabilities and reality, ultimately unleashing their latent potential. Coaching can be a catalyst for new ideas and a vehicle for transformational learning.
When should you be coached?
There is a myth that coaching is for people who are under-performing or in a state of inertia. In fact, coaching is for high achievers and people who want to realise greater amounts of their potential, because the truth is that in today's world, the more successful you become, the more difficult it is for you to increase and reach your true potential without some form of focused assistance.
Coaching can take numerous forms, the most prominent and impactful one being transformational coaching for business leaders and executives.
The role of the coach in every instance is to pave the way for increased performance and capability. Transformational coaching brings about revolutionary changes in people, through which they can change their behaviour and themselves on a permanent basis - it's all about inculcating new behaviours. But people will not do that unless they have a meaningful reason and basis for doing so. Behaviour change requires significant effort, and breaking down of historical self-limiting beliefs. It demands that people move into spaces that are not comfortable, so they had best have a clear vision of why they are doing that. The primary outcome of transformational coaching is to give people a richer, broader, deeper view of what they want in and from life, why they may not be experiencing it, and how they can attain it.
The ideal candidate
The ideal candidates for coaching are high achievers and current or potential leaders. More than anyone else in an organisation, CEOs have few available sounding boards and ways to compare and measure themselves. If nothing else, he or she can benefit simply from having a creative, attentive listener who will help to ask the questions neither the executives nor anyone else will ask.
These questions are determined by the depth of the coach's ability to listen and assimilate. Coaches are there to open pathways, but they must not lead the coachee down them. One of the greatest challenges for coaches is to develop a gift for listening and to quell any desire to offer advice or ideas.
The benefits to business are numerous. Coaching enables top achievers to realise more business and personal goals than ever before and extend their view of "best". It puts an end to burnout, and enables people to manage their time more effectively. People who have been through a successful coaching programme thrive on change instead of merely coping with it, and can thus make better choices and decisions, both for themselves and their companies. Link
posted by Telana @ 5:31 am,
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Frames of Mind - Part 3
Monday, May 14, 2007
We've been exploring Frames of Mind that are common, especially in the work place, and how they effect communication. We looked at the preferred size of information people use when communicating and reasoning in Part 1, and the frames of mind about dealing with instructions in Part 2.
The last frame of mind in these series that I'd like to share with you today is about how we work with and compare data and information.
On the one side of the continuum we look for what matches what we already know, we look for what we find as the same as our existing knowledge. On the other side, we look for what differs or mismatches our knowledge.
This frame of mind plays a dominant role in determining our overall style of communication, as well as our world-view.
Those who sort for sameness, tend to focus their attention on how things match up in similar way to previous experiences. They value security and want their world to stay the same. Those that prefer to sort for differences will first notice the things that differ and don't match. They value change, variety, and newness. They don't like situations that remain static - they find them boring. When overdone, they will notice only differences, problems, and things that do not fit.
Now can you imagine someone who sorts for sameness at an extreme level working for someone who mismatches in an extreme way? It would make for an exciting relationship, to say the least.
Another interesting point about this continuum is that some people match with exception, and others mismatch with exception. By this I mean some look for similarities first, and then differences, while others look for differences first, and then similarities.
So where are you on this scale? Ask yourself: What relationship do you see first between what you do now and what you did last year? What do you pat attention to first when you walk into a room? What is the relationship between where you live now and your previous home? Notice if you answers are about what's the same or similar, or if they are about what's different.
So have you worked out if you prefer similarities or differences? And can you work out what your colleague prefers?
So how do we communicate with this frame of mind? Well, with those who match, emphasize areas of mutual agreement, security, what you both want and ignore differences - especially at first. With people who mismatch, emphasize how things differ, the new, the different, the distinctions - even the revolutionary. Talk about adventure and development. For those that do a bit of both- alternate your talk between things that match and those that mismatch.
Talking is easy. Communication, on the other hand, requires greater skill - and as we've explored the frames of mind involved in communication, I hope you have seen how the skill of effective communication can be developed. You can develop it through being aware of the size of the bits of information you use when talking. You can also look at how people prefer to deal with instructions, and give it to them in a more options or more procedural way. And you can look at how some people prefer to match or mismatch information, and you can tailor your message so that you get your points across to them in the way they can more easily understand it.
So as a coach this article would not be complete without bringing these tips into action. So, did you find this information useful? Have you decided to remember it? Can you identify an opportunity in the next week where you can try one of these tips out? Perhaps it's a meeting, a conversation with your colleague, a phone call or a reply to an email.
With finding ways to use these tips, you'll notice that people understand you more, and there will be less frustration in communicating. The effectiveness of your communication will improve, and with that you'll be more successful.
So to end with, for those who are global- these are the tips to be successful. For those who are more procedural, remember that there are 3 sets of frames of mind each on a continuum, and their order is 1. global-specific, 2. options- procedures, and 3. matching-mismatching. And for those that mismatch, well you probably won't remember this article anyway!
To effective communicating!
Telana
Labels: communication
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posted by Telana @ 5:41 am,
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Frames of Mind - Part 2
Sunday, May 13, 2007
As we started looking at Frames of Mind in my last post (Part 1), remember that these frames of mind are very contextual, and are only more useful or less useful depending on the context.
In this post we'll be looking at our frames of mind about dealing with instructions. It's the frame of mind to do with our organizational style.
When it comes to dealing with instructions or getting something done, we have 2 broad responding styles - the procedures style or the options style.
Those that prefer options, work better at developing new procedures and figuring out alternatives to a strategy. They don't enjoy procedures, especially if they have already donethat procedure. If it works, they would much rather improve it or change it. They value alternatives and search for new and different approaches.
On the other side of the continuum are those who prefer procedures - they like to follow specific and definite procedures. They may not know how to create the procedures, but give them a process and they thrive on doing it just right. Procedures motivate them, and they enjoy a sense of closure –so prefer to complete procedures.
So where are you? As I ask you the next questions, just note your answers. Why did you choose your job? Why did you choose your bank?
If your answer was a reason, and one that is about choosing or options, you'd be more of an option person. If your answer was more of a story, with lots of facts, and you didn't mention choosing, you have more of a procedural orientation. You probably answered moreof a "how" you chose your job question than a "why" you chose it.
And so now that you have an idea of your frame of mind, what would you guess is your colleague's? or your family member? Of loved one? Are you on the same side of the continuum or not?
Knowing that now, how would you change the way you present a task or request to that person?
When communicating with someone who has more of an options frame of mind, talk about the possibilities and options and innovations involved in the task. Avoid giving them fixed step-by-step procedures. Rather play it by ear and emphasize all of the alternatives available to them.
When talking with someone who prefers procedures, give them specific details of the procedurethat clearly takes them from where they are to completing the task. Give them ways of dealingwith procedures that break down and allow them to finish processes to get closure. You can also number things as in points 1, 2, 3 or 5 steps to close a deal.
In our next post, we'll look at another frame of mind, about how we compare information.
To improved communication!
Telana
Labels: communication
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posted by Telana @ 6:31 am,
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Frames of Mind - Part 1
Friday, May 11, 2007
Every person you meet today, that you engage with in conversation, that you try to influence or who tries to influence you in some way, is operating from some frame of mind.
It is this frame of mind that is behind or above the actual words that they are using. It is this frame of mind that determines their perspective; that determines what they value, their style of thinking and feeling, and pattern for choosing and behaving. All of which we experience through how that person communicates with us.
I'd like to share with you 3 frames of mind over the next few posts that are most common, especially in the workplace, and that effect communication.
Before we look at the first one, I just want to point out that these frames of mind are on a continuum and are very contextual. So you might prefer one side of the continuum in one situation, and the other side in another situation. Also, there is no right or wrong frame of mind. Rather there are only useful and less useful frames of mind for each specific context.
So the first frame of mind is about the preferred size of information people use when communicating and reasoning.
On one side of the continuum is the global aspect- the big picture thinking. On the other side is the specific aspect - the minute detailed thinking.
People who are more global tend to like high level abstract ideas first, and then they deduce down to the specifics. Whereas people who are more detailed begin with the specific details and then induce up to general principles and global ideas.
So where are you on this continuum? To help you work this out, how do you answer these questions?
- If we were to do a project together, what would you want to know first: the details and a lot of the specifics, or the overall purpose and what we generally will do?
- When you pick up a book, what do you pay attention to first- the big picture, the book cover, or specific details about its value?
So do you have a sense of whether you prefer more specific or more global thinking? And now what about a colleague at work? Or a family member? Does s/he talk about the big picture or the details?
So for those of you who are more global, you probably can easily recall times you've felt bored and frustrated when someone has insisted on telling you every detail of a project or meeting, you probably feel like saying: "Give me your general concept or idea and let me see what that implies".
And for those who sort via specifics, you may recall the frustration of dealing with someone who seemed to talk 'up in the air', in fluff land, vaguely, and did not supply you with important details of reality. You'll be saying: "Give me the details, and let me see what it means to me".
Knowing how and at what level a person processes information, gives us important information about how to package our communication to that person in an effective manner.
So to communicate with someone who needs and wants details, give him/her lots of specific details, break things down into specifics. To communicate with someone who needs a more global understanding first- talk in concepts, principles and the larger ideas first. Skip the details when you start – you can go there later.
So to manage another more effectively through the way you communicate, notice where the person is on this continuum of global vs. specific and chunk your information to suite their preferred style.
Next time we'll look at our frames of mind about dealing with instructions.
To effective communicating!
Telana
Labels: communication
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posted by Telana @ 6:37 am,
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The Author
Telana Simpson
Telana Simpson is a Professional Personal and Communication Coach. She is a caring and focused facilitator who has a passion for expression. She helps executives, individuals and entrepreneurs find authentic ways of communicating their inner potentials.
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